


a boy who isn't anything like me

by ohmcgee



Series: ohmcgee's mallverse [41]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, Domestic, F/F, Fluff, M/M, mallverse, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8159819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmcgee/pseuds/ohmcgee
Summary: It's time to meet the parents. OH NOES





	

“You should come over tonight,” Jon says as he scarfs down a veggie burger. After Damian went on a tirade the first time he saw him eating chicken nuggets and informed him _exactly_ what was in them Jon decided he was going to go meatless too. Damian knows he hasn’t _really_ because most days he comes to school still smelling like bacon, but no one’s perfect. “You can help me work on my science project and we can play your new game.”

“Actually,” Damian says, licking hummus off his fingers. “Since my -- since Jason’s back now, I thought I might ask my father about taking us to the movies again. If -- if you still want to. I know the movie you wanted to see isn’t still in the theater and --”

“I want to, _duh_ ,” Jon says, then wrinkles his nose up like he does when he can’t figure out how to spell something. “It’s just my moms are still being super weird about the whole date thing. They want to like, _meet_ your parents before we ever go anywhere like that.”

Damian sighs, then snickers when Jon reaches over to try some hummus and makes the most _horrified_ face. 

“That’s disgusting,” he says, wiping the hummus off his tongue with a paper napkin, scowling when Damian starts laughing harder. “I don’t know why I even like you.”

“Because I always share my sweets with you,” Damian says, pulling out one of the giant cookies Jason made last night. 

“Bingo,” Jon grins and swipes the cookie from him, bursting into giggles when Damian tackles him on the ground to get it back. 

“ _Boys_ ,” a teacher says over them a few moments later and Damian breaks away quickly, grass stains on his khakis and chocolate smeared on his shirt. “There’s no roughhousing in the courtyard. I’m afraid I’m going to have to give you both detention.”

“Sorry,” Damian says, face still a bit pink when the teacher walks off. He doubts Jon’s ever even been in detention before. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have --”

He stops because Jon is full on _grinning_ , like some lunatic. 

“What?” Damian asks, puzzled.

Jon just shrugs and takes a huge bite of the cookie he managed to salvage. “She called me a boy.”

 

: : :

 

That night after dinner his father gets a phone call from Lucius while Damian’s helping Jason with the clean up. 

“Your vegetarian lasagna is getting much better,” Damian says and Jason just snorts and looks at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Compliments are never a good sign from you. What do you want?”

Damian makes a face, dries the dish Jason hands him and puts it away. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Oh god,” Jason says. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

“Moron,” Damian says, but it’s actually hard not to crack a smile. 

“Good,” Jay says and nods toward the table. “What’s going on?”

“Remember my friend -- my -- remember Jon?” Damian struggles and feels his cheeks getting warm. He hates stammering. Talia always chastises him for it, gets impatient when he can’t just spit out what he’s trying to say. Jason never does that. Jason just sits there and waits for him to figure out what he’s trying to say, like it doesn’t bother him at all. It’s still kind of strange. 

“Yeah, of course,” Jason says. “I’m still bummed I miss you guys’ first date. I had this fake shotgun I was gonna sit out on the porch with and --”

“We don’t have a porch, Jason,” Damian says, rolling his eyes. “And you didn’t miss it actually. I never...I just wanted to wait.”

“Oh,” Jason says. “I mean, is everything cool? With you and Jon, I mean?”

“What? Of course,” Damian says. “I just wanted -- his parents want to _meet_ mine before we can go anywhere. And you weren’t here and -- I just wanted to wait.”

“Right,” Jason nods and Damian can _tell_ he wants to make a big deal about it like a weirdo, but he’s reigning it in. “Because your Dad isn’t exactly host material and he’d probably embarrass the hell out of you?”

“Precisely,” Damian says. 

“I mean,” Jason smirks. “I can’t promise you anything on the embarrassing front. From either of us”

“Or us,” Roy says, walking into the kitchen with Tim right behind him. “What’s for dinner, Jay?”

“No,” Damian says, crossing his arms. “Absolutely not. Those two _cannot_ be there.”

“I already put the leftovers in the fridge,” Jason says. “Paprika chicken and egg noodles and asparagus. And no, Damian. I promise you they won’t be there.”

“Not for the awkward meet the parents thing,” Tim says. “Because ew. But I mean, you’re going to need someone to help you get ready for your date, right?”

“He’s aces at that,” Roy says, balancing three tupperware containers on top of each other. 

“No,” Damian says fervently. “No _way._ ”

“Don’t worry about them,” Jason laughs. “They’ve got the collective attention span of a gnat. They won’t even remember what we talked about tomorrow.”

“Hmph,” Damian says, staring in horror as Roy picks cold egg noodles up with his fingers and feeds them to Tim. “I’m doomed.”

Jason just snorts. “Join the club, kid.”

 

: : :

 

On Wednesday night Damian has a hockey game and during the first period he sees that Jon was able to talk his moms into bringing him. He wants to impress Jon _and_ his moms, so he’s aggressive as he can be without getting into an actual fight with anyone. It’s a hard balance to maintain, but he manages. 

After the game -- they actually lose 4-3, but Damian scored two of the three points, so he’s not _too_ broken up about it -- he changes out of his uniform and ignores Jason and his father to go over to where Jon and his parents are sitting. 

“That was some impressive stuff,” Lana says when he walks up. “Are you the captain?”

“ _No,_ ” Jon says distastefully. “He should be though. Shouldn’t he? I think we should start a petition.”

“Maybe you could write something for the school paper,” Lois smirks and that’s when Jason and Bruce walk up to them. Damian is _blissfully_ thankful Tim and Roy and Grayson had to work tonight. 

“Father,” Damian says. “This is --”

“Lois,” his father says coldly. He doesn’t reach out and shake her hand like he usually does with new people and Jason looks just as confused about it as Damian does. 

Damian looks over at Jon, who just shrugs, then at Lana and Lois, who just leans back against the railing and smiles at his father. 

“Good to see you, Bruce,” she says. “Who your...friend?”

“I’m Jason,” Jason says politely, obviously trying to smooth out the very strange tension. “I’m, well. We’re --”

“I just go with significant other,” Lana says as she winks at him and puts her hand on Jon’s shoulder. “Girlfriend and boyfriend is for these guys, right?”

“Yeah,” Jason laughs. “That sounds good actually. So --”

“Come on, Damian,” Bruce says brusquely. “I’m sure you’ve got homework to finish before bed.”

“I finished it before school,” Damian says firmly and gets a stern look in response and an apologetic look from Jason. 

“Nice to meet you,” Jason calls out as Bruce starts walking off and Damian just looks back at Jon as they walk out, sharing a disappointed, confused look with him before the doors close. 

 

: : :

 

“Okay,” Jason says once they get in the car. “ _What --_

“That,” his father says sharply, switching the radio off. “Was Jonathan Kent’s mother? _Lois Lane_?”

“Obviously,” Damian snaps. “Along with Miss Lana although I don’t think you even took the time to --”

“Bruce,” Jason says, refusing to put the car in drive before he explains. “What the hell was that, seriously? You were being an asshole. Sorry, Damian --”

“Whatever,” Damian mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s true.”

“ _Damian Thomas --”_

“Well you were!” Damian shouts and Jason pounds the steering wheel so hard the horn goes off.

“ _Bruce_ ,” he says. “You obviously already know Lois. What’s the deal?”

“That woman,” Bruce says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Nearly ruined my life.”

 

: : :

 

Damian shoves his earbuds in on the ride home. He honestly couldn’t care less about what Jon’s mom said or didn’t say about his father in some stupid magazine or newspaper. All he cares about is that Jon’s moms are probably never going to let them go out now and honestly Jason could drive them off the bridge they’re going over right now and he wouldn’t even _care._

Damian doesn’t speak to either of them when he gets out of his car, just takes his bag and his uniform to the laundry room and heads upstairs to take a shower. 

When he gets out, Jason’s waiting for him in his room, on his bed. 

“I suppose you’re trying to deprive me of my privacy as well as a social life?” Damian snaps at him angrily and he’d like to say he feels bad about it afterward since it wasn’t really Jason’s fault, but he’s still too mad. 

“Just wanted to get in before you locked the door and escaped out the window or something,” Jason shrugs. He takes everything with such stride and it’s infuriating sometimes. “I talked to your dad.”

“Good for you,” Damian says, opening his laptop up and typing in the password.

“Look,” Jason says, standing up and walking over to him to shut the lid. “I know you’re fourteen so being a prick is like, ninety percent of your dna, but listen to me for a minute. The things Jon’s mom Lois wrote about your Dad? Talia tried to use those things to get custody taken away from him.”

 

“Oh,” Damian says quietly. 

“It was a long time ago,” Jason says. “And half the shit was just rumors and -- he’s on the phone with her right now. They’re settling things, Damian. It’s all gonna get worked out.”

“Why,” Damian says, scratching at the paint on his desk. “Why did she write those things about him?”

“It was just her job at the time.” Jason shrugs. “ Your dad was an important guy, taking over a company without a lot of experience, with a -- uh --”

“Shady past?” Damian smirks and Jason just laughs.

“Let’s go with that,” he says. “It was Lois’ job to write about him, so she did. Like I said, long time ago. They’re talking it out. It’s going to be fine, I promise.”

“Hm,” Damian says. Admittedly, he does a feel a lot better now that he’s learned what it was about. “Father still acted like a dick though.”

“Totally,” Jason grins.

When he leaves, Damian lies back on his bed and stares up at the glowing plastic stars on his ceiling that Grayson gave him last Christmas and Tim and Roy tried to arrange into constellations. 

Yes, he feels much better now. 

 

: : :

 

“Fuck,” Jason says when Damian comes downstairs Friday afternoon. “Fuck, fuck, fucking --”

“Are you having a stroke?” Damian asks as he grabs a plum out of the fruit bowl. 

“No, I -- fuck, don’t eat _there_ ,” Jason shouts and shoves him out of the kitchen. “I just cleaned the counter and Alfred waxed the floor. I don’t want you in here until you have to be, capiche?”

“You’re ridiculous,” Damian says as Jason pushes him into the living room. “I just want you to know that.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jason says. “Your Dad’s running late and I bought the wrong fucking wine and I don’t -- oh god, they’re not gluten free are they? Damian, _tell me_ they aren’t gluten free.”

“Ridiculous,” Damian mutters again, dripping plum juice onto his shirt as he walks upstairs, ignoring Jason’s shouts to _put on a clean shirt oh my god_ before he shuts the door to his room and plops down on his bed to play a bit of _Cheese Vikings_ before Jon gets there.

 

: : :

 

Bruce still isn’t home by the time Jon and his parents arrive, but Jason seems calmer at least, and Damian prays to _god_ that’s oregano that he smells and not --

“Hey guys,” Jason says when he opens the door. “Bruce is on his way and unfortunately, he’s the one bringing the wine, so unless you want a beer --”

“As long as it’s not some hipster micro-brew crap I’ll take one,” Lois says as she sheds her coat and her and Lana follow Jay into the kitchen, leaving Damian and Jon alone. 

“Wow,” Jon says, looking around. “Your house is like...more than one house.”

“It’s old,” Damian says. “The pipes creak when more than one person showers and the electricity does weird things when it storms.”

“Show me your room,” Jon says enthusiastically and Damian has to chase him to catch up with him on the staircase. 

“What are _in_ all these rooms?” Jon asks, trying to poke his head in each one when they get upstairs and Damian just shrugs and drags him by his sleeve down the hall. 

“More old stuff,” he says. “Here’s my room. It’s kind of messy right now.”

Jon snorts when he walks through the door. “If you think this is messy you’re going to go nuclear when you see mine. Oh my god, you have _Cheese Vikings 5?_?”

Damian just grins and tosses him a controller. “My father probably won’t be home for another half an hour.”

“Awesome,” Jon says and flops down on Damian’s bed, only to scramble _right_ off when they hear Jason yelling at them from downstairs.

“ _Doors open, Damian!_ ” 

Damian rolls his eyes, but they both move to the floor anyway. 

They play for about fifteen minutes or so, trash talking each other and sitting close enough that Jon’s knee touches his, until Jon puts his controller down and excuses himself to the restroom abruptly. 

He’s in there for so long that Damian knocks on the door and asks him if he’s alright. 

“Yeah, I’m --” Jon says. “Can you get my mom? Either of them?”

“Sure,” Damian says and runs downstairs. “Um, Miss Lois or ah, Miss Lana? Jon’s in the restroom and he’s asking for --”

“I got it,” Lois says to Lana and Lana just nods and goes about her conversation with Jason. It sounds like they’re talking about hair dyes, but he could be wrong. 

Damian goes back upstairs and waits, wringing his hands, until Jon finally comes back in his room. He’s blushing a little like he’s embarrassed for some reason and he’s wearing a hoodie over the shirt he came in. Damian worries that they have it too cold in the house until Jon explains.

“Sometimes,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I mean. My moms lets me use a binder, but they’re strict about me taking it off if it starts making it hard for me to breath or anything.”

“Oh,” Damian says, not knowing what to say. “Does that happen a lot?”

“Not really,” Jon says, chewing on his bottom lip. Damian can tell it makes him feel self-conscious talking about it and he really wishes it _didn’t_ , but he knows that’s not up to him to decide. “Wanna play some more?”

“Actually,” Bruce says, sticking his head in the door. “It’s time for dinner, boys.”

“Awesome!” Jon says with a fistpump and bolts downstairs before Damian can even get out the door. 

“Well he’s excitable,” Bruce laughs.

“He’s always like that,” Damian says, shaking his head. “I think he likes food more than me.”

“Ah well,” Bruce says. “Growing boys tend to be eerily similar to human trash compactors.”

He puts his hand on Damian’s shoulder as they walk downstairs and this time Damian even lets him.

 

: : :

 

Dinner goes much better than Damian had thought it would go. It seems his father and Miss Lois really have put aside their odd history together and made amends and Jason and Lana are _still_ talking about hair products somehow. 

“Dreads?” Jason says. “No way.”

“Oh yeah,” Lana laughs. “ _Pink_ dreads.”

“Rainbow for pride,” Lois adds in before taking another sip of her beer.

“Oh man,” Jason says. “ _Dickie_ did rainbow hair for pride. It actually looked pretty awesome.”

Bruce chokes on his wine. “Dick went to pride?”

Damian tunes out of the conversation at that point and is about to ask Jon how he likes the food until he realizes Jon’s plate is completely bare, just a few traces of pasta sauce left on the plate...and his face. He’s nearly as messy as Grayson. 

“Our parents are weird,” Jon says, wiping his mouth with the napkin Damian hands him. 

“Yes,” Damian says, folding his arms over his chest. “I’m so glad we’re nothing like them.”

 

: : :

 

Later that night, before they leave, Lois and Lana thank Jason for an amazing meal and compliment Bruce on his house once again. 

“I’m glad I got to meet you, Bruce,” Lois says. “I mean, the real you. You’re not half bad.”

“Thank you, Lois,” Bruce says, smiling. “And you’re not the evil, soul-sucking harpy I thought you were.”

Jason snorts. Damian does too, just a little. Jon covers his mouth so he doesn’t giggle.

“What he’s trying to say,” Jason says. “Is we’d love to drive Jon and Damian to the movies next weekend. Maybe take them out for pizza afterward. Does that sound okay?”

Lois looks like she’s seriously having to consider it for a moment, but then Lana shoves her and they both start laughing at Jon’s indignation. 

“Sounds awesome,” Lois says. “Damian’s pretty much all I hear about anyway.”

“ _Mom._ ”

“I know, right?” Jason says. “I hear more about Jon’s day than I do Damian’s, I swear.”

“ _Father_ ,” Damian hisses. “ _Stop him._ ”

“Hey,” Jason smirks. “I warned you.”

“You should go,” Damian says to Jon severely. “Before they get any worse.”

“Totally,” Jon says, looking just as horrified.

They stand there awkwardly for a moment and Damian isn’t sure if he’s supposed to hug or shake Jon’s hand or _what_ , but thankfully Jon always knows what to do. He punches Damian in the shoulder and says, “I’m totally beating you at Cheese Viking next time,” before calling shotgun and running out to their car. 

After the adults say their goodbyes Damian runs upstairs before his father or Jason can embarrass him further, or try to get him to help with the cleanup. As soon as he sits down on his bed he gets a text from Jon. 

_I wanted to kiss you, but our parents were RIGHT THERE. But. I really wanted to. I just wanted you to know._

Damian’s face goes warm all over and he bites his lip as he stares down at the words on the screen. He thinks about the first time they kissed, how they were both kind of unsure, just trying it out to see if they liked it.

 _I can’t wait until next Friday._ Damian texts back.

He’s not unsure anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to ask questions/leave comments re: Jon
> 
> Inspiration from Lana/Lois came from the new Superwoman, which you should TOTALLY read because it's amazing.
> 
> Cheese Viking taken from comics.


End file.
